The Satire About The Manual For Nigerian Pastors

This post is written by Elnathan John, and originally published on elnathanjohn.blogspot.com..Just grab a popcorn and enjoy the ride after the cut..

Many manuals are full of jargon and unnecessary information. I have decided to keep this brief and to the point. Because I care.

1. Fly private.

There is nothing that shows that God is in charge of your hustle like flying private. Spend millions of dollars just so you can travel conveniently and in style. Sure, agents of the devil will call it a waste of money, but they don’t realize that a man of God should not suffer any discomfort while doing the work of the Lord. That is why you are rightly called a man of God. You are too special to spend time waiting at the airport like other normal people. If they are so upset they should go and question the God who blessed your hustle and lifted you above your poor followers.

2. Sometimes, lease out your private jet.
You will not always be in the air flying, so it is fine to have an air transport company that will lease out your jet which you got for evangelism. It is not your business what the jet will be used for. Nobody can blame you if some wicked people lease your jet, pick up Jewish arms dealers and go with cash in search of weapons. God sees your heart and knows that all you want to do is keep the jet up and running to do His work.

3. Bless women with your seed.
Some people may find it less than ideal to sleep with young female members of the congregation, but sometimes these things are beyond human comprehension. When you sleep with female members of the flock, do it with a level of grace that only the anointed can understand. Only God can judge you. And what is sin, when there is grace that abounds?

4. Ask people to sow seed.
(Because you have lost so much seed with the sisters in the church) Ask people to sow seed so that God can bless them richly. Because if they do not sow seed by paying into the designated envelopes or bank accounts you have given them, nothing will grow in their lives and their souls and finances will be as barren as dry shrubs out in the desert. They sow seed into your bank account, they get blessings, you get blessings, everybody is happy.

5. Do not pay tax.
Again, these many agents of the devil may spread rumours about your stupendous wealth and the luxury in which you live. Yes, you are making a profit, but whose business is that? Is it not where a person works that he will eat? And did God not promise you prosperity? Only wicked persons will want to deprive you of what they did not give to you. So what if your wealth is the result of weekly sermons about tithing? Humans, being what they are, will forget to give God his due. It is your duty to remind them. One of the problems is that people assume it is your money. You may be spending it, but it is not yours. You are only a caretaker. People need to just calm down, pay their tithes, and trust you to know how to balance accounts with God.

6. Remind people to never, ever, speak evil against a man of God.
Like I said before, humans need reminding. Our rebellious nature sometimes gets the better of us and we begin to look too hard at the life of a man of God or worry about his immorality. A man of God is not subject to the same rules as ordinary people. You have a level of grace that mere mortals cannot understand. You need to keep reminding your members to fear God and by extension, fear you. Because questioning you means questioning God. And all those who question you will not make heaven.

7. Hang out with corrupt politicians from time to time.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you being close friends with a corrupt government. Was Jesus not a friend to harlots and tax collectors? And what on earth is worse than the Jewish tax collectors in the time of Jesus? You need to make corrupt people feel at ease in the presence of God; who knows, perchance they may be persuaded and accept the gospel of Jesus. Lay hands on them from time to time. And when they make huge donations, purify the money with the blood of Jesus and move on.

8. There is nothing like a good healing.

Claim to heal people from time to time. Sometimes you may have to hire and pay actors but it is all to draw people and make them believers. After all, did the bible not say that God told Abraham to sacrifice his son when He knew he had a sheep waiting nearby? Was that not deception by human standards? But the scriptures say that the wisdom of the world is foolishness with God. While you perform miracles however, never attempt to heal people who get injured in your church premises during say a stampede or the collapse of your church building. (Also, make predictions and prophecies about everything from politics to football but do not make predictions about your own life and church, even if a great tragedy is about to happen. This is bad karma. And sometimes God just prefers football to collapsing buildings. Don’t ask me why. He works in mysterious ways.)

9. When you go on crusades and travel to perform signs and wonders, travel with your personal physician.
You know how doctors are advised not to treat themselves or their family members? Well the same rule applies with men of God. No need to heal yourself or your family. After all, doctors also need to eat. And like Jesus, you like to feed multitudes.

10. When your wife, who is also a pastor in your church, catches you sleeping with other women and moves out of the house, ask your congregation to pray for her.
Because it is your wife who needs the prayers, not you. It is her hard heart that needs healing and forgiveness so that she can recover from the mistake of exposing you and attempting to get a divorce. She does not realize what she will miss. Where else will she go to get seed as holy and anointed as yours?

11. Use the word “da” in place of “the”.
For example:
Da lord wants you to give me his tithes for my private jet.
Da bible says touch not my anointed.
Sounds nicer.